List of the Funniest Short Jokes on the Internet
What do you get when you boil a clown? 🤡🔥
Laughing stock. 😆
What kind of candy do you find on a playground? 🛝
Recess pieces. 😁
What did the vegetable say to its love? 💖
I love you from my head to-ma-toes! 🍅
Teacher: “Name a country without the letter R in it.” 👩🏫
Student: “No way!” 🙋♂️
What did the drummer name his 3 daughters? 🥁
Anna 1, Anna 2 , Anna 3! 👧👧👧
I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. 🥤🌊
It took me a minute when I woke up to realize it was just a Fanta-sea. 😁
I love going outdoors. 🚪🌳
So much safer than going through windows. 🪟
What’s the only place where it’s socially acceptable to pick your nose? 👉👃
A plastic surgeon’s office. 😁
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!” 👩🏻🦰👩🏻🦰
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.” 😁
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? 🍎🦀
A crab apple. 😆
A dictator walks into a bar… 🎖️
…and orders everyone around. 😡
Why are librarians the fastest runners in a marathon? 📖🙎♀️
When told to run, they just book it! 📖🏃♀️➡️
I just spent $300 to hire a limousine and discovered that the fee does not include a driver. 💵
I can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it. 😁
Received a text from my wife saying she was breaking up with me! 📱💬
Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minute later she text saying “wrong number”. 🤦
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non smoking”. 🚬🚭
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation or “Burial”. 🤦
I asked the ER doctor if I could do my own stitches. 👩⚕️
She said, “Suture self.” 😆
Did you hear about the dental implants that only cost a dollar? 🦷
They’re only a dollar but now you have buck teeth. 🤓
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? 🤔
People in Dubai don’t watch The Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi Doooooooo!!!! 😆
Did you hear about the guy who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s? 📅
They gave him 12 months. 😆
What’s a spider’s New Year’s resolution? 🕷️
To spend less time on the web. 🕸️
How do farmers get the party started? 👨🌾
They turnip the beets. 😁🎶
Whats the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? 🤔
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. 😆
I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit. 💵
What a huge waist! 🤗
I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner. 🤔
It was just gathering dust! 💨
What do Santa’s helpers learn in school? 🧝🧑🎄
The elf-abet! 😆
My friend just won the Tallest Christmas Tree competition. 🎄
I thought to myself, “How can you top that? 🤔
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? 🎅
Claustrophobic. 😱
Why did the red-nosed reindeer help the old lady cross the road? 👵
It would have been Rudolph him not to. 🦌
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? 🎅🛷
Nothing – it was on the house. 🏠
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? ☃️🤬
A meltdown. 💦
Why is everyone thirsty at the North Pole? 🤔
No well. 😁
What do gingerbread men use when they break their legs? 🤔
Candy canes. 😁
What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him? ⛄
The cold shoulder. 😁
Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? 🏝️🌴🥥
They only permit a-low-ha. 😆
You think swimming with sharks is expensive? 🏊🦈
Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg. 💪🦵🤕
What building has the most stories? 🏢
The library! 📖
Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle? 🏃
They got over it! 🦘
Why is Peter Pan always flying? 🕴️
Because he Neverlands! 🏰
What did the doctor say to the panicked man who was afraid he was shrinking? 🧑⚕️
Settle down — you’ll have to learn to be a little patient! 🕴️
What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer? 💻
The space bar. 🍻
I can tell when you’re lying just by looking at you. 👀
I can also tell when you’re standing. 🧍
It takes guts… 😬
…to be an organ donor. 🫀🫁
I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh… 😆
No pun in ten did! 😁
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? 🦛🔥
One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter. 😅
Some people think prison is one word… 🏛️
…but to criminals, it’s the whole sentence. 🦹
We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great… 👷🏠
…but the second floor is another story. 😁
Why are elevator jokes so good? 🛗
They work on many levels! 😅
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. 🔤
I don’t know “Y”. 😁
What happened when the world’s tongue-twister champion got arrested? 👮🚓
They gave him a tough sentence. 🤣
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? 🦃
He got the stuffing knocked out of him. 🤕
Why was the turkey put in jail? 👮🏻
The police suspected fowl play. 🦃
Why are balloons so expensive? 🎈🎈🎈
Inflation! 💵💵💵
Why are pupils the last part of your body to stop working when you die? 👀
They dilate! 😵
Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them? 👴💃
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.” 📔📕
If money doesn’t grow on trees, 🌳🌲🌳
then why do banks have branches? 🏦💵🌿
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? 🥷
Sneakers! 👟👟
I didn’t have the faintest idea… 😕
as to why I passed out. 😵
Why did the gym close down? 🏋️
It just didn’t work out. 💪
Why do cows have bells? 🐮🔔
In case their horns don’t work! 😆
I don’t find boxing jokes funny. 🥊
I guess I missed the punch line! 👊
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… 🐶
…but catscan. 😺
I don’t trust those trees. 🌳🌳🌳
They seem kind of shady. 🕶️
What has three letters and starts with gas? ⛽
A car! 🚗
Talk is cheap… 🗣️
…until you talk to a lawyer. ⚖️👨💼
How do you catch a squirrel? 🐿️
Climb up a tree and act like a nut. 🥜
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. 🛬
I lost my case! 💼
What do you call a sleeping bull? 💤🐂
A bulldozer. 🚧
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? 🥛🌎
It’s pasteurized before you can even see it. 👀
How does a penguin build its house? 🐧
Igloos it together. 🥶
Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage? 💃
Because every play has a cast! 🤕
What kind of horses only come out after dark? 🐎🌛
Night mares! 👹
What goes up but never comes down? ⬆️
Your age. 👴👵
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? 🤔
Straw-berries. 🍓
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? 🥚
Because they’d crack each other up. 🤣
Bakers trade bread recipes… 📒
on a knead-to-know basis. 🤫
Why can’t skeletons go to parties? 🥳
They have no-bodies to go with! 🩻
How did the barber win the race? 🏃♂️
He knew a shortcut. 💇♀️
What did the tree say to the lumberjack? 🌲
I’m falling for you! 😍
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck. 🚛🪰
What do you call a dog magician? 🐶🪄
A labracadabrador. 🤣
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. 🛍️
It’s a total rip-off. 😜
How did the skeleton handle the angry dog? 🩻🐕
He threw him a bone! 🦴
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? 🪸
A nervous wreck! 😰
How do you keep warm in a cold room? 🥶
You go to the corner, because it’s always 90 degrees! 😏
What do you call a dinosaur fart? 🦖💨
A blast from the past! 😁
What do you call a pig that does karate? 🐖
A pork chop! 🥷
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? ♠️
Too many cheetahs. 🐈
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? 🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇
A receding hare-line! 👨🦲
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? 🦘
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all! 🏠
What do you do with a sick boat? ⛵
Take it to the doc already. 🧑⚕️
How do trees get online? 🌳
They just log on! 🪵
Why can’t male ants sink? 🐜
Beacue they’re buoy-ant. 🛟
Where do most horses live? 🐎
In neighhh-borhoods! 🏘️
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 🏫
It’s okay. He woke up. 😴
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight. 😡🤬
21. 🤕
Which is faster, hot or cold? 🔥❄️
Hot, because you can catch cold. 🤧😰
What do lawyers wear to court? ⚖️
Lawsuits. 🕴️
What’s small and red and has a rough voice? 🤔
A hoarse raddish! 😁
My doctor told me I need to sweat daily… 🧑⚕️
So I told him I’d start disobeying my wife! 😡
Bakers trade bread recipes… 📒
on a knead-to-know basis. 🤫
I’m getting older and wider…. 👴
Instead of older and wiser! 😒
These are not gray hairs! 👵
They are wisdom highlights. 🧓
How is the moon like dentures? 🌜
Both come out at night. 😬
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? 👖
In case he got a hole in one. ⛳
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? 🐨
They don’t meet the koalafications! 😁
Why did the scarecrow win an award? 🏆
Because he was out-standing in his field. 🧑🏻🌾
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? 🕊️
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels. 🥯
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. 😠
She gave me a hug. 🫂😆
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? ♠️
Too many cheetahs. 🐈
What is a dentist’s favorite time? ⏲️
Tooth-hurty! 🦷😖
What type of nails do carpenters hate to hammer? 🔨
Fingernails! 👆
Why did the umbrella take a day off? ☔
It was feeling under the weather! ⛈️
What do lawyers wear to court? ⚖️
Lawsuits. 🕴️
I have a fear of speed bumps, 🚗
but I’m slowly getting over it. 🚙
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? ✏️
Because it’s pointless! 🤷
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? ♠️
Too many cheetahs. 🐈
Why can’t you trust duck doctors? 🧑⚕️
Because they’re all quacks! 🦆
Why did the picture go to jail? 👮
Because it was framed! 🖼️
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. 🥰
I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. 🔪
A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived? ✈️
Married couples! 💑
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. 🌃
Then it dawned on me! 🌄
I heard about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda. 🤕
He is lucky it was a soft drink. 🥤
What goes up and down but doesn’t move? 🤔
The staircase. 🪜
What has four wheels and flies? 🤔
A garbage truck. 🪰🚛🪰
What do you get from a pampered cow? 🐄
Spoiled milk. 🥛🤢
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. 📖
It’s impossible to put down. 😁
How do billboards talk? 💬
Sign language! 🪧
What did the mermaid wear to her math class? 🏫 🎒
An algae-bra. 🌿
I have a fear of speed bumps. 🚗
But I am slowly getting over it. 🐌
Time flies like an arrow. 🏹
Fruit flies like a banana. 🍌
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? 🐄
They lactose. 🥛
Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle? 👑
Because he’s always lion. 🦁
What do rabbits say before they eat? 🐇
“Lettuce pray.” 🙏
What is a room with no walls? 🤔
A mushroom. 🍄
My fingers are so reliable. 🖐️
I can count on all of them. 👍
What do you call a sad strawberry? 🍓
A blue berry! 🫐
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? 🐘
An irrelephant. 🤣
The grape said nothing when he was stepped on. 🦶🍇
Instead, he let out a little wine. 🍷
What do sea monsters eat? 👹
Fish and ships. ⛵
It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope. ✉️
It’ll still be stationary. 😁
I ate a watch yesterday… 🍴⌚
It was extremely time consuming. 😋
I just learned that french fries are not from France at all. 🍟
They were first cooked in grease. 🧑🍳
Why don’t cows ever have money? 🐄💵
Farmers always seem to milk them dry. 🧑🌾🥛
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? 🌽
Too many ears! 👂👂👂
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 🐙
Ten-tickles. 👈
When does a duck wake up? 🦆
At the quack of dawn! 🌄
Son: What’s the difference between love and marriage? 💑
Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener. 👀
Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? 👱♀️
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills. 💊
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? 🥛🌎
It’s pasteurized before you can even see it. 👀
Where do you learn to make a banana split? 🍌
Sundae school. 🍨🏫
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. 🍽️
But that’s just nuts! 🥜
What has more letters than the alphabet? 🔤
The post office! 🏤✉️✉️✉️
A book just fell on my head… 📔
I only have my shelf to blame. 🤕
How much did the man sell his dead batteries for? 🪫
Nothing, they were free of charge! ⚡
I used to be addicted to soap. 🧼
But I’m clean now. 🫧
I’m glad I know sign language. 🤏
It’s become quite handy. ✌️
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? 🤔
They always take things literally. 😜
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down? 🌳🌳🌳
He keeps a log. 🪵
Someone glued my deck of cards together. ♠️♥️♦️♣️
I don’t know how to deal with it. 😜
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? 🏃
Diddly-squats. 🤷
What did the man say to his fingers? 👆
I’m counting on you. 🫵
I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimers… 👵
She said she can’t remember what she ever saw in me! 😠
One difference between men and women is that… 👨👩
When a woman says “smell this”, it usually smells nice. 👃💩
Why should you avoid artists? 🧑🎨
They tend to be sketchy. ✏️
What does a baby computer call his father? 💻
Data! 💾
What kind of witch goes to the beach? 🏖️
A sandwich. 🥪
What is a prize old people can win for aging? 👴👵
Atrophy. 🏆
Which underwear brand do seniors love best? 🩲
It Depends. 🤔
The Pentagon was originally going to just be a square. ⏹️
But the contractor kept cutting corners. ✂️
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? 🚂
A chew-chew train. 😁
I called the incontinence hotline recently. 📞
They asked if I could hold. 😣
What is a prize old people can win for aging? 👴👵
Atrophy. 🏆
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” 👦
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.” 🙆♂️
What part of the body always loses? 🤔
Defeet! 🦶
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. 🛣️
So I packed up my stuff and right! ➡️
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? 🥵 ⚾
All of the fans left. 😎
I called the incontinence hotline recently. 📞
They asked if I could hold. 😣
What did the Baby Corn say to the Mama Corn? 🌽🌽
“Where is Pop Corn?” 🍿
Be kind to your kids. 😚
They choose your nursing home. 🏘️
Why was the retiree’s wife tired? 😩
She got twice as much husband for half the pay. 😣
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time… 🧒💤🛌
… are they guilty of resisting a rest? 👮
What does corn say when it gets a compliment? 🌽
Aw, shucks! 😁
What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior? 💪
Cremation.🔥
I’m not hard of hearing… 👂
I’ve just heard enough. 😱
I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. 👵
I just didn’t know her first name was going to be “Always.” 😒
Love is like one long, sweet dream. 😴
Marriage is the alarm clock. ⏰
Don’t let aging get you down. 👴👵
It’s too hard to get back up again! 😣
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? 🐨
They don’t meet the koalafications. 😁
Age is an issue of mind over matter. 👴🧠
If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter. 🤷
Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. 📃
In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.” ✅😣
I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. 🍇🍈🍊🍑
They lived to a ripe old age. 👵👴
What’s the best part of old age? 👴👵
That it doesn’t last very long. 😞
Old age makes us great multitaskers. 📃
Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time! 😖
One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends… 🤫👂
because they can’t remember them! 😏
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. 🧼👄
Then it’s a soap opera. 📺
Money isn’t everything… 💵🤑💰
…but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. 👨👩🧔♂️👩🦰👨🦱👩🦱
Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. 👴👵
My knees, my back, my neck… 😖
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? 🛏️
They’re making headlines. 📰
I’m on a seafood diet. 🦐🦞🦀
I see food and I eat it. 😁
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? 🃏
He won the ‘no-bell’ prize. 🔕
Will glass coffins be a success? ⚰️
Remains to be seen. 🤦♀️
I’m so good at napping. 😴
I can do it with my eyes closed! 😄
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? 🦛🔥
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. 😁
You’re not completely useless. 🤦
You can always serve as a bad example. 😁
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? 👨🍳🪦
He pasta-way. 🍝
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? 🔥📝
Bernadette. 😁
Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? 🌎💥
I don’t know, and I don’t care. 🙄
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? 🌊
A nervous wreck. 😰
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? 🪖
The infantry. 👶
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? 🤔
A maybe! 🐝
Why were they called the Dark Ages? 🧙♂️🛖
Because there were a lot of knights. 😆
What’s the opposite of irony? 🤔
Wrinkly! 😁
I was kidnapped by mimes once. 🤡
They did unspeakable things to me. 🫢
A friend of mine went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb. 👨🦲🪮
He just can’t part with it. 🤪
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? 🏌️🙆♂️
A golfer goes whack “darn” and a skydiver goes “darn” whack. 🤪
Isn’t it a great feeling knowing you’re so old… 👴👵
…there’s nothing left to learn the hard way? 🤪
“A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” 👴
-Ella Harris 😅
To be old and wise… 👵👴
…you must first be young and stupid. 🤪
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone… 👴👵
…but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney 🤪
What did the crew see when they looked in the toilet? 🚽
The Captain’s log. 🪵
Respect people who wear glasses. 👓
They paid good money to see you! 🥸
Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? ⛵
The sink. 🚰
Why are celebrities never sweating? 😅
They’re surrounded by fans. 🪭🪭🪭
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? 🐒🏢
Monkey business. 🙈🙉🙊
My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant. 😒
I told her to close the door on the way back in. 😆
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. 💰
I’m not buying it. 😋
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? 🌳
By the bark. 🐶
Officer: “How high are you?” 👮♂️
Driver: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’” 🤪
I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma… 👵🛌
…not screaming in terror like her passengers. 😱
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift. 🪜
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.” 🧱🤪
What do you call the horse that lives next door? 🐴🏘️
A neigh-bor. 🐎😁
Why don’t trash collectors require any training? 🗑️
They just pick it up as they go. 🚮
Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days? 🤔
They aren’t weak-days. 💪
Spring is here! ☀️🌻
I got so excited that I wet my plants. 🌹🌻🌷🌱🪴
Never buy anything made from velcro. 🤔
It’s a total rip-off! 🤪
A cannibal came home late to family dinner. 🍽️
He got the cold shoulder. 😧
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” 🕳️
The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.” 👀
My son asked me what it’s like to be married. 🙋♂️
So, I told him to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me. 🤷♂️
At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home, and those who don’t. 🥳🎈🎉
The trouble is they’re usually married to each other. 🤪
When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word. 😠😡
They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.” 🥹
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? 🗣️
Because they always have to repeat themselves. 🤪
Marriage is when a man and woman become one. 👰🤵♂️
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 🤦♀️
My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator. 🙄
I guess we were just raised differently. 🙃
My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing. 🥱
I told them I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak. 😠
I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married. 👰🤵♂️
For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married. 🤔
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for two hours? 👱♀️
Because it said “concentrate.” 🤦
How do you keep a blonde busy? 👱♀️
Write “please flip over” on both sides of a piece of paper and give it to her. 📃
What’s the difference between outlaws and in laws? 👴👵
Outlaws are Wanted. 🤠👮♂️
It was raining cats and dogs the other day. ⛈️☔
I almost stepped in a poodle. 🐩
Did you hear about the red cruise ship and the blue cruise ship that crashed into each other at sea? 🤔
All the survivors were marooned. 😜
Ten ladies tried to fit under a small umbrella, none of them got wet. How did they do it? ☂️
It wasn’t raining! 😜
What animal turns about 200 times around its axis after it dies? 🤔
A roast chicken. 🍗
How many months in the year have 28 days? 📆
All of them. 😜
Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name? 🤔
Johnny of course. 👦
A man goes out in heavy rain with nothing to protect him from it. His hair doesn’t get wet. How does he do that? ⛈️
A promise. 👨🦲
You can’t keep this until you have given it. 🤔
A promise. 😊
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? 🤔
Short. 😜
What kind of room has no doors or windows? 🤔
A Mushroom. 🍄
What tastes better than it smells? 🤔
A Tongue. 😜
Did you hear about the guy who deposited his watch at the bank? 🏦
He wanted to save time. 🕰️
What kind of shoes do breadsticks wear? 👟
Loafers. 🥖
Did you hear about the killer whale that learned to play the flute? 🪈
He wanted to be in the orca-stra. 🐳
Why does Clint Eastwood always have a pencil with him? ✏️
Because he wanted to always be ready to “draw lead”. 🤠
Why don’t raindrops ever get invited to parties? 💧
Because they always rain on people’s parades. ⛈️
Why don’t old people ever get lost in their neighborhood? 👴👵
Because they’ve been around the block too many times! 🏘️🏚️🏠🏡
What do you call a crocodile that’s always causing trouble? 🐊
An insta-gator. 😁
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? 🚲
Attire. 🤵
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general? 🐰🎖️
Napoleon Bunnyparte! 😁🐇
It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude. 👄
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse. 😕
My neighbors are listening to great music. 📻🎶
Whether they like it or not. 🫨
What did one senior mountain climber say to the other? 🧓👴
We’re finally over the hill! 🌄
What do cast iron pans and seniors have in common? 🍳
They’re both well-seasoned. 👴👵
Did you hear about the gardener who was excited for spring? 🌻🌹🌷🌼👩🌾
She wet her plants. 💦🌱
We leave this world the same way we enter it: 🌎
bald, confused, and wearing a diaper. 👶👴
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? 🤔
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog. 🛌🐶
I’m obsessed with telling airport jokes. ✈️
My doctor says it’s a terminal problem. 💀
What do expired cake mix and seniors have in common? 🎂
They both have a hard time rising! 😩
You know you are old… 👴
…when you’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police. 👨⚕️👮♂️
Where do cows get their clothes? 👗👖👕
From cattle-logs. 🐮
How did Noah sail his ark at night? 🌛
Using floodlights. 💡
Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is… 🤦♂️
your husband. 👴
Why did the king go to the dentist? 🦷
He needed a crown. 👑
Why are toilets always so good at poker? 🚽
They always get a flush. ♠
Why did the bullet end up losing his job? 🔫
He got fired. 💥
What does a house wear? 🏡
Address! 👗
Why aren’t kids allowed to see pirate movies? 📽️
They’re all rated arrrrr. 🏴☠️
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? ☔🐈🐕
Hailing taxis. 🚕
Aging is like owning a classic car. 🚗
In order to keep looking beautiful, you’ll need more than a few tune-ups and a fresh coat of paint. 🛠️
When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up. 🫳
When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore. 😓
What was the radioactive older adult’s superpower? 🦸♀️
Gramma rays. 👵
I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. 🤕
He told me to stop going to those places. 😆
People say Millennials are entitled… 🙎♀️
But have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired? 🤬
What’s the difference between a millennial and a large pizza? 🍕
A large pizza can feed a family of four. 🍽️
If lazy person won an award for being lazy… 🏆
They would make you or someone else to pick it up for them! 😧
What can’t you have for breakfast? 🥣 🍳🥐
Lunch and dinner. 🤦
I love doing stand up comedy at the retirement homes. 🧓👴👵
And I know I’m really good because they laugh at the same jokes every week. 🤪
I played hide and seek in the hospital… 🏥
…but they kept finding me in the ICU. 🧑⚕️
How are stars like false teeth? 😬
They both come out at night. 🌃
When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere. 💏
But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere. 😄
You know you’re getting older when you have a party… 🥳
…and the neighbors don’t even realize it. 🥱
Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall… 🧱🚗
and everyone’s arguing over where they’re going to sit. 🤪
“Better to keep silent an let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” 🤫
-Abraham Lincoln
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. 💺
Now they won’t let me plug it in. 🔌🤯
My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, 😥
so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife. 🙎♀️
When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad’s mental state, asked, “What gets you up in the morning?” 👴
My father shrugged. “Probably the same thing as everyone. I have to go to the bathroom.” 🚽
“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. 👴👵
“Do you think I look like them?” He shook his head. “Not yet.” 🤪
I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were your good old days?” 👴
His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.” —F. M. 🤪
We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, “I’ve decided I want to be cremated.”
I said, “Alright, get your coat.” – Dave Spikey
What is the penalty for bigamy? 😘
Two mothers-in-law. 👵👵
What do farmers give for Valentine’s Day? 🧑🌾
Lots of hogs and kisses. 🐖😘
Why shouldn’t you trust a pastry chef on Valentine’s Day? 🧑🍳
Because they’ll dessert you. 🎂
I felt incomplete until I married you. 💗
Now I’m finished. 😵
How do you make 7 even? 7️⃣
Take away the s. 😆
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is… 🎂👩
…to forget it once. 😣
I once got fired from a canned juice company. 🏭
Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. 🤦
Have you ever tried to catch a fog? 🌫️
I tried yesterday but I mist. 😜
All wives are saints. 😇
They forgive you even when you’re not guilty! 😕
In any argument, a wife has the last word. 🙅♀️
Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument. 🙎♀️
I’m terrified of elevators… 😱
…so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them. 👣
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and… 🤕
I’ve never looked back since. 😕
What country’s capital is growing the fastest? 🤔
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin. 🍀
This graveyard looks overcrowded. 🪦🪦🪦
People must be dying to get in. 💀
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? 🏡
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time! 👴
Marriage is like going to a restaurant. 🍽️
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. 😒
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. 🤵👰
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 🙎♀️🙅♂️
Any married man should forget his mistakes… 🤦♂️
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. 🙎♀️
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months… 🙅♀️
I don’t like to interrupt her. 🗣️
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job… 🤵💼
He still ends up with the same boss. 🙎♀️
What falls in winter but never gets hurt? ⛄
Snow. ❄️
What is the strongest animal in the sea? 🌊
Mussels. 💪
How do billboards talk? 💬🗨️
Sign language. 🪧
What gets wetter the more it dries? 💦
A towel. 😁
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? 🕺
Phillipe Floppe. 😁
Where did the music teacher leave her keys? 🔑
In the piano! 🎹
Why do birds fly south for the winter? 🐦❄️
Because it’s too far to walk. 🚶
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? ☃️
Frosted Flakes. ❄️
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? 🧛⛄
Frostbite! 🥶
What can you catch in the winter, even with your eyes closed? 😑❄️
A cold. 🤧😰
Why did the roofer go to the doctor? 🧑⚕️
He had shingles. 🙆♂️
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? 🧑💼
He couldn’t see himself doing it. 😲
Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t stop collecting magazines? 👩🦰
She had issues. 📖
What do cows do on date night? 🐄💖
They go to the moo-vies. 📽️
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. 🤨
She looked at me surprised. 😲
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? 🪮
Thanks— I’ll never part with it! 👨🦲
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” 🤰
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.” 👩⚕️
Where did Noah keep his bees? 🐝
In the Ark Hives. 😁
The only thing flat earthers have to fear… 😨😱
…is sphere itself. 🌎
That’s a pretty good ceiling. 👍
It’s not the best, but it’s up there! ☝
What do you do if you see a fireman? 👨🚒
Put it out, man! 🔥🧯
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? 👃
Because then it’d be a foot. 🦶
There are three types of people in the world: 🌎
Those who can count and those who can’t. 🖐
If you’re American when you go in the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? 🚻
European. 🚽
I made a New Year’s resolution to drink more water. 💧
So far I’ve only gotten as far as “drink more.” 🍺
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. 🌜
Middle age is when you’re forced to. 👴👵
Why did Dracula pass out on New Year’s Eve? 🧛♂️
There was a count down. 😵
Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments? 🎸🎶🎙
Mount Rushmore. 😅
I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. 🏆
Sadly, no pun in 10 did. 😁
Want to hear a roof joke? 🤔
The first one’s on the house. 🏠
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding? 🍞
Let’s grow mold together. 🦠
How do you know when Santa’s around? 🎅
You can always sense his presents. 🎁
Which of Santa’s reindeer needs to mind his manners the most? 🎅
Rude Olph. 🦌
What do baby elves learn in Kindergarten at the North Pole? 🧝
The elf-abet. 🔠
What was Santa’s favorite subject in school? 🎅🏫
Chemistree. 🎄
How did Rudolph survive his first trip with Santa? 🦌🎅
He held on for deer life. 😆
What kind of landscape gives the best compliments? 😉
Plateaus, they’re good at flattery. 😳
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? 🎅
Because it soots him. 😆
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? ⛄
A meltdown. 😡
What do you call a cow with no legs? 🐮
Ground beef. 🥩
Why don’t trains ever choke? 🚂
They chew chew. 😆
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? 🎅😨
Claustrophobic. 😱
Where does Santa keep all his money? 🎅💵
At the local snow bank of course! ❄️
What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? 🛌
Cookie sheets. 🍪
Why don’t spiders leave the house? 🕷️🏠
They can do everything on the web. 🕸️
Where do cows go on a first date? 💖🐄
The mooovies. 🍿📽️
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? 🦘
A pouch potato. 🥔
What sound does a chicken’s phone make? 🐔
Wing! Wing! ☎️
Why can’t you sell a shoe to a bear? 🐻
They prefer to go bear feet. 🐾
What did the pig say to his girlfriend? 🐖
Don’t go bacon my heart. 💖🐷
What do you say when you give someone a set of spices for Christmas? 🎄
Season’s greetings. 🎅
What does Rudolph do when Santa drives too fast? 🎅
Hold on for deer life. 🦌
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? 🧑🌾
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. 🥔🌽
I once knew a woman who owned a taser. 🙍♀️
Boy was she stunning. ⚡
The machine at the coin factory suddenly stopped working. 🏭
It didn’t make any cents! 🪙
Why did the can crusher quit his job? 🥫
It was soda pressing. 😁
Always trust a glue salesman. 🧑💼
I heard they’re very good at sticking to their word. 😆
What did the mom tomato say to the baby tomato? 🍅
“C’mon honey, ketchup!” 😁
What do dentists call their x-rays? 👩⚕️
Tooth pics! 🦷
What is always a pessimist’s blood type? 🩸
B-negative! 🅱️➖
When did they find water on the moon? 🌕
When it was waning! ⛈️
What do you call an illegally parked frog? 🐸🚗
Toad. 😆
Why can’t a leopard hide? 🐆
Because he’s always spotted. 😆
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? ⛪
Plymouth Rock! 🎸🎶
Why can’t you take a turkey to church? 🦃⛪
Because they use such fowl language! 🤬
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank? 🏦
It went data way! 💻
Why are spiders so good at the internet? 🕷️
They know all the good web sites. 🕸️🌎💻
I drove by a sign the other day that read, “Broken puppets for sale.” 🪧
“No strings attached.” 🧵
The grape said nothing when he was stepped on. 🦶🍇
Instead, he let out a little wine. 🍷
Never tell a lie to an x-ray technician. 🧑⚕️
They can see right through you. 🩻
I’ve gone to the dentist so many times now. 🦷
Trust me, I know the drill. 😖
What happened to the guy who sued the airline company over his missing luggage? ✈️
He lost his case. 🧳
Mountains aren’t just funny… ⛰️
The are hill areas! 😁
Don’t interrupt someone working intensely on a puzzle… ☝️
…because if you do, you might hear some crosswords. 🤬
A boiled egg in the morning… 🥚
…is hard to beat! 😅
What’s a foot long and slippery? 🤔
A slipper. 🦶🩴
I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. 👮
But when I got home, all the signs were there. 🪧🛑
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. 👟👟
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes. 😁
Where do pirates get their hooks? 🏴☠️
Second hand stores! 😅
I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex… ⌚
So I can have watch dogs. 🐶
I used to run a dating service for chickens… 🐔
But I was struggling to make hens meet. 😁
If a pig loses its voice… 🐖
Does it become disgruntled? 😆
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet. 👞
It was clogged. 🪵
I could tell a joke about pizza… 🍕
… but it’s a little cheesy! 😁
Two guys walked into a bar. 🍻
The third guy ducked. 🦆
Why should you never date a mummy? 🤕
Because they are too wrapped up in themselves! 😁 -submitted by: Gina F.
Why are ghosts so bad at lying? 👻
Because you can see right through them! 😆
I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist… 🎹🙎♂️
But he was too baroque. 😞
Why are cows so good at math? ✖️➕➖➗
Because they studied Cow-culus! 🐄
I finally watched that documentary on clocks. 🕰️
It was about time. ⌛
Why is the cow always smiling? 🐄
It’s in a good mooood I guess! 😀
What state is known for its tiny beverages? 🗺️
Minnesota! 🥤
Why can’t you send a duck to space? 🦆🚀
Because the bill would be astronomical! 💵💵💵
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. 🤒
I said it must be my weekend immune system. 🤣
Keep the dream alive… 😄
…and hit the snooze button. 😴💤
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? 🍵
Reali-tea. 😢😁
Why did the coach go to the bank? 🏦
To get his quarter back. 🪙
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner… 💵
…it was just gathering dust! 😁
What did one hat say to the other? 👒🎩
Stay here! I’m going on ahead. 🤠
15. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
5. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
23. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
24. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus.
Why don’t elephants use computers? 🐘💻
They’re too scared of the mouse! 🖱️🐁
Why do some melons have extravagant weddings? 🤵👰
Because they know they cantalope! 😁
How to do throw a party in space? 🚀
You planet! 🌎
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 🚰
Because he was a little horse! 🐎
What do you call an alligator detective? 🔍
An investi-gator! 🐊
What does a frog do when its car breaks down? 🚗
It gets toad! 🐸
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? 🍌
A slipper! 🥿
Why did the Easter egg hide? 🥚
Because it was a little chicken! 🐣
Why do bees have sticky hair? 🐝
Because they use honeycombs. 🍯
Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? 🚴
It was a vicious cycle! 🤕
Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? 🙍♂️
To make some dough! 💰
When is a door not a door? 🚪
When it’s ajar! 🫙
What do horses say when they fall? 🐴
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up! 🐎
Did you hear about the infamous bank robbers in the old wild west? One of them married the other one’s sister. 🤠
They were both outlaws and in-laws! 🤵👰
Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand? 🫲
A palm tree! 🌴
What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce? 🥬🐓
A chicken sees a salad! 🥗
Two artists had an art contest. 🧑🎨👩🎨
It ended in a draw. 🎨
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. 👑
You start out in a beautiful ball gown 👰 and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people. 👶👶👶
Ever heard of a job that requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, and you can’t quit? 🤶
That’s motherhood. Oh, and people’s lives are on the line. 😅
I heard two peanuts walk into a park… 🌳🥜🥜 🌳
One was as-salted. 😵
A moon rock 🌕 tastes better than an earthly rock 🪨 because it’s meat-eor. 🌠
The Magician got frustrated… 🪄
and pulled his hare out. 🐇
What did the triangle say to the circle? 🔺
You’re so pointless. 🔴
What did one toilet say to another? 🚽
You look flushed. 💩
What do sprinters eat before they race? 🍴
Nothing. They fast. 🏃♀️
What did one pickle say to the other? 🥒
Dill with it! 😒
How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity? 🪁
Shocked! ⚡
How do birds tell the weather? 🕊️
They watch the feather forecast. 🌦️
Did you hear the rumor about butter? 🧈
Well, I’m not going to go spreading it! 🔪
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? 🦹
He takes things personally! 💰
Why did an old man fall in a well? 👴
Because he couldn’t see that well! 💦
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. 🔠
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” 🛣️
What do you call a fake noodle? 🍝
An impasta. 😁
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar? 📆
They each got six months. 😜
How do poets say hello? 🙋♂️
Hey, haven’t we metaphor? 🖊️
What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? 🥕
A parrot. 🦜
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? 👩⚕️
In case she needed to draw blood. 🩸
Why are all Redneck murders so tricky to solve? 🔪🩸😵
All of the DNA records match and there are zero dental records. 🔍
What tastes better than it smells? 👃
A Tongue. 👅
Want to hear a joke about paper? 📃
Nevermind it’s tearable. 🤣
A locksmith had to go to court to give evidence last week. 🔒👨
Apparently he was the key witness. 🔑
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them.
The first one is on the house. 🏠 ” – Tim Vine
Why did the golfer cry? 😭
He was going through a rough patch. 🏌️
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? 🎸
You can buy it with no strings attached. 🧵
Have you ever been camping? 🏕️
It’s in tents. ⛺
Why shouldn’t you eat clowns? 🤡
They taste funny. 😝
Why did the roofer go to the doctor? 🧑⚕️
He had shingles. 🏘️
What did the horse say after it tripped? 🐴
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup! 🐎
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? 🦖
A dino-snore. 💤
How do you make a water bed bouncier? 🛏️
Add spring water. 💧
What did one traffic light say to the other? 🚦🚦
Stop looking at me, I’m changing. 😲
What do you call a cow with bad manners? 🐄
Beef jerky. 🤬
My girlfriend treats me like a god. 🧔♂️
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something. 🙎♀️
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? 🚪
Close the door, I’m dressing! 👗
What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? ⛵🌊
He got marooned! 😲
My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddess… 👩🦳
… by placing burnt offerings before me. 🔥
Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” 👉
isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife. 👵
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? 🗼🕷️
They’re both Paris sites. 🤦♀️
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? 🐟
SoFISHticated. 🤵
Aging gracefully is a nice way of saying… 👴👵
…you’re slowly looking worse. 😩
You know it’s time to retire when your co-workers… 🙍♂️🙎♂️
…are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro. 👖
How do mountains see? 🏔️
They peak! 👀
Why do zombies never laugh? 🧟
They’re always dead serious! 😵
