List of the Funniest Short Jokes on the Internet
Will glass coffins be a success? ⚰️
Remains to be seen. 🤦♀️
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? 🦛🔥
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. 😁
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? 😲
He’s all right now. 😁
You’re not completely useless. 🤦
You can always serve as a bad example. 😁
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? 👨🍳🪦
He pasta-way. 🍝
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? 🔥📝
Bernadette. 😁
Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? 🌎💥
I don’t know, and I don’t care. 🙄
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? 🌊
A nervous wreck. 😰
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? 🪖
The infantry. 👶
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? 🤔
A maybe! 🐝
Why were they called the Dark Ages? 🧙♂️🛖
Because there were a lot of knights. 😆
What’s the opposite of irony? 🤔
Wrinkly! 😁
I was kidnapped by mimes once. 🤡
They did unspeakable things to me. 🫢
A friend of mine went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb. 👨🦲🪮
He just can’t part with it. 🤪
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? 🏌️🙆♂️
A golfer goes whack “darn” and a skydiver goes “darn” whack. 🤪
Isn’t it a great feeling knowing you’re so old… 👴👵
…there’s nothing left to learn the hard way? 🤪
“A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” 👴
-Ella Harris 😅
To be old and wise… 👵👴
…you must first be young and stupid. 🤪
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone… 👴👵
…but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney 🤪
What did the crew see when they looked in the toilet? 🚽
The Captain’s log. 🪵
Respect people who wear glasses. 👓
They paid good money to see you! 🥸
Which appliance is the worst to have on a boat? ⛵
The sink. 🚰
Why are celebrities never sweating? 😅
They’re surrounded by fans. 🪭🪭🪭
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? 🐒🏢
Monkey business. 🙈🙉🙊
My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant. 😒
I told her to close the door on the way back in. 😆
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. 💰
I’m not buying it. 😋
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? 🌳
By the bark. 🐶
Officer: “How high are you?” 👮♂️
Driver: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’” 🤪
I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma… 👵🛌
…not screaming in terror like her passengers. 😱
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift. 🪜
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.” 🧱🤪
What do you call the horse that lives next door? 🐴🏘️
A neigh-bor. 🐎😁
Why don’t trash collectors require any training? 🗑️
They just pick it up as they go. 🚮
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. 🧚
You start in a beautiful gown end up cleaning everyone’s messes. 👗🧹🧽🫧
Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days? 🤔
They aren’t weak-days. 💪
Spring is here! ☀️🌻
I got so excited that I wet my plants. 🌹🌻🌷🌱🪴
Why don’t trash collectors require any training? 🗑️
They just pick it up as they go. 🤪
What instrument is found in the bathroom? 🛁🚽
A tuba toothpaste. 🦷🪥
Never buy anything made from velcro. 🤔
It’s a total rip-off! 🤪
I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body? 🤔
She said, “Your sense of humor.” 🤪
A cannibal came home late to family dinner. 🍽️
He got the cold shoulder. 😧
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” 🕳️
The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.” 👀
My son asked me what it’s like to be married. 🙋♂️
So, I told him to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me. 🤷♂️
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. 🤫
I don’t like to interrupt her. 🤪
At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home, and those who don’t. 🥳🎈🎉
The trouble is they’re usually married to each other. 🤪
When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word. 😠😡
They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.” 🥹
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? 🗣️
Because they always have to repeat themselves. 🤪
Marriage is when a man and woman become one. 👰🤵♂️
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 🤦♀️
My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator. 🙄
I guess we were just raised differently. 🙃
My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing. 🥱
I told them I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak. 😠
I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married. 👰🤵♂️
For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married. 🤔
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for two hours? 👱♀️
Because it said “concentrate.” 🤦
How do you keep a blonde busy? 👱♀️
Write “please flip over” on both sides of a piece of paper and give it to her. 📃
What’s the difference between outlaws and in laws? 👴👵
Outlaws are Wanted. 🤠👮♂️
It was raining cats and dogs the other day. ⛈️☔
I almost stepped in a poodle. 🐩
Did you hear about the red cruise ship and the blue cruise ship that crashed into each other at sea? 🤔
All the survivors were marooned. 😜
Ten ladies tried to fit under a small umbrella, none of them got wet. How did they do it? ☂️
It wasn’t raining! 😜
What animal turns about 200 times around its axis after it dies? 🤔
A roast chicken. 🍗
How many months in the year have 28 days? 📆
All of them. 😜
Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name? 🤔
Johnny of course. 👦
You can’t keep this until you have given it. 🤔
A promise. 😊
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? 🤔
Short. 😜
What kind of room has no doors or windows? 🤔
A Mushroom. 🍄
What tastes better than it smells? 🤔
A Tongue. 😜
Did you hear about the guy who deposited his watch at the bank? 🏦
He wanted to save time. 🕰️
What kind of shoes do breadsticks wear? 👟
Loafers. 🥖
Did you hear about the killer whale that learned to play the flute? 🪈
He wanted to be in the orca-stra. 🐳
Why does Clint Eastwood always have a pencil with him? ✏️
Because he wanted to always be ready to “draw lead”. 🤠
Why don’t raindrops ever get invited to parties? 💧
Because they always rain on people’s parades. ⛈️
Why don’t old people ever get lost in their neighborhood? 👴👵
Because they’ve been around the block too many times! 🏘️🏚️🏠🏡
What do you call a crocodile that’s always causing trouble? 🐊
An insta-gator. 😁
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? 🚲
Attire. 🤵
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general? 🐰🎖️
Napoleon Bunnyparte! 😁🐇
It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude. 👄
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse. 😕
My neighbors are listening to great music. 📻🎶
Whether they like it or not. 🫨
What did one senior mountain climber say to the other? 🧓👴
We’re finally over the hill! 🌄
What do cast iron pans and seniors have in common? 🍳
They’re both well-seasoned. 👴👵
Did you hear about the gardener who was excited for spring? 🌻🌹🌷🌼👩🌾
She wet her plants. 💦🌱
We leave this world the same way we enter it: 🌎
bald, confused, and wearing a diaper. 👶👴
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? 🤔
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog. 🛌🐶
I’m obsessed with telling airport jokes. ✈️
My doctor says it’s a terminal problem. 💀
What do expired cake mix and seniors have in common? 🎂
They both have a hard time rising! 😩
Where do cows get their clothes? 👗👖👕
From cattle-logs. 🐮
How did Noah sail his ark at night? 🌛
Using floodlights. 💡
Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is… 🤦♂️
your husband. 👴
Son: What’s the difference between love and marriage? 💑
Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener. 👀
Why did the king go to the dentist? 🦷
He needed a crown. 👑
Why are toilets always so good at poker? 🚽
They always get a flush. ♠
Why did the bullet end up losing his job? 🔫
He got fired. 💥
What does a house wear? 🏡
Address! 👗
Why aren’t kids allowed to see pirate movies? 📽️
They’re all rated arrrrr. 🏴☠️
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? ☔🐈🐕
Hailing taxis. 🚕
Aging is like owning a classic car. 🚗
In order to keep looking beautiful, you’ll need more than a few tune-ups and a fresh coat of paint. 🛠️
When you’re 20 and you drop something, you pick it up. 🫳
When you’re 80 and you drop something, you decide you don’t need it anymore. 😓
I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places. 🤕
He told me to stop going to those places. 😆
People say Millennials are entitled… 🙎♀️
But have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired? 🤬
Why can’t a blonde dial 911? ☎️
She can’t find the eleven. 🤪
What’s the difference between a millennial and a large pizza? 🍕
A large pizza can feed a family of four. 🍽️
If lazy person won an award for being lazy… 🏆
They would make you or someone else to pick it up for them! 😧
What can’t you have for breakfast? 🥣 🍳🥐
Lunch and dinner. 🤦
I love doing stand up comedy at the retirement homes. 🧓👴👵
And I know I’m really good because they laugh at the same jokes every week. 🤪
I played hide and seek in the hospital… 🏥
…but they kept finding me in the ICU. 🧑⚕️
How are stars like false teeth? 😬
They both come out at night. 🌃
When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere. 💏
But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere. 😄
You know you’re getting older when you have a party… 🥳
…and the neighbors don’t even realize it. 🥱
Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall… 🧱🚗
and everyone’s arguing over where they’re going to sit. 🤪
“Better to keep silent an let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” 🤫
-Abraham Lincoln
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. 💺
Now they won’t let me plug it in. 🔌🤯
My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, 😥
so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife. 🙎♀️
When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad’s mental state, asked, “What gets you up in the morning?” 👴
My father shrugged. “Probably the same thing as everyone. I have to go to the bathroom.” 🚽
“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. 👴👵
“Do you think I look like them?” He shook his head. “Not yet.” 🤪
I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were your good old days?” 👴
His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.” —F. M. 🤪
We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, “I’ve decided I want to be cremated.”
I said, “Alright, get your coat.” – Dave Spikey
What is the penalty for bigamy? 😘
Two mothers-in-law. 👵👵
What do farmers give for Valentine’s Day? 🧑🌾
Lots of hogs and kisses. 🐖😘
Why shouldn’t you trust a pastry chef on Valentine’s Day? 🧑🍳
Because they’ll dessert you. 🎂
I felt incomplete until I married you. 💗
Now I’m finished. 😵
How do you make 7 even? 7️⃣
Take away the s. 😆
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is… 🎂👩
…to forget it once. 😣
I once got fired from a canned juice company. 🏭
Apparently I couldn’t concentrate. 🤦
Have you ever tried to catch a fog? 🌫️
I tried yesterday but I mist. 😜
All wives are saints. 😇
They forgive you even when you’re not guilty! 😕
In any argument, a wife has the last word. 🙅♀️
Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument. 🙎♀️
I’m terrified of elevators… 😱
…so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them. 👣
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and… 🤕
I’ve never looked back since. 😕
What country’s capital is growing the fastest? 🤔
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin. 🍀
This graveyard looks overcrowded. 🪦🪦🪦
People must be dying to get in. 💀
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? 🏡
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time! 👴
Marriage is like going to a restaurant. 🍽️
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. 😒
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. 🤵👰
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 🙎♀️🙅♂️
Any married man should forget his mistakes… 🤦♂️
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. 🙎♀️
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months… 🙅♀️
I don’t like to interrupt her. 🗣️
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job… 🤵💼
He still ends up with the same boss. 🙎♀️
What falls in winter but never gets hurt? ⛄
Snow. ❄️
What is the strongest animal in the sea? 🌊
Mussels. 💪
How do billboards talk? 💬🗨️
Sign language. 🪧
What gets wetter the more it dries? 💦
A towel. 😁
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? 🕺
Phillipe Floppe. 😁
Where did the music teacher leave her keys? 🔑
In the piano! 🎹
Why do birds fly south for the winter? 🐦❄️
Because it’s too far to walk. 🚶
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? ☃️
Frosted Flakes. ❄️
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? 🧛⛄
Frostbite! 🥶
What can you catch in the winter, even with your eyes closed? 😑❄️
A cold. 🤧😰
Why did the roofer go to the doctor? 🧑⚕️
He had shingles. 🙆♂️
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? 🧑💼
He couldn’t see himself doing it. 😲
Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t stop collecting magazines? 👩🦰
She had issues. 📖
What do cows do on date night? 🐄💖
They go to the moo-vies. 📽️
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. 🤨
She looked at me surprised. 😲
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? 🪮
Thanks— I’ll never part with it! 👨🦲
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” 🤰
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.” 👩⚕️
Where did Noah keep his bees? 🐝
In the Ark Hives. 😁
The only thing flat earthers have to fear… 😨😱
…is sphere itself. 🌎
That’s a pretty good ceiling. 👍
It’s not the best, but it’s up there! ☝
What do you do if you see a fireman? 👨🚒
Put it out, man! 🔥🧯
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? 👃
Because then it’d be a foot. 🦶
There are three types of people in the world: 🌎
Those who can count and those who can’t. 🖐
If you’re American when you go in the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? 🚻
European. 🚽
I made a New Year’s resolution to drink more water. 💧
So far I’ve only gotten as far as “drink more.” 🍺
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. 🌜
Middle age is when you’re forced to. 👴👵
Why did Dracula pass out on New Year’s Eve? 🧛♂️
There was a count down. 😵
Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments? 🎸🎶🎙
Mount Rushmore. 😅
I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. 🏆
Sadly, no pun in 10 did. 😁
Want to hear a roof joke? 🤔
The first one’s on the house. 🏠
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding? 🍞
Let’s grow mold together. 🦠
Which of Santa’s reindeer needs to mind his manners the most? 🎅
Rude Olph. 🦌
What do baby elves learn in Kindergarten at the North Pole? 🧝
The elf-abet. 🔠
What was Santa’s favorite subject in school? 🎅🏫
Chemistree. 🎄
How did Rudolph survive his first trip with Santa? 🦌🎅
He held on for deer life. 😆
What kind of landscape gives the best compliments? 😉
Plateaus, they’re good at flattery. 😳
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? 🎅
Because it soots him. 😆
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? ⛄
A meltdown. 😡
What do you call a cow with no legs? 🐮
Ground beef. 🥩
Why don’t trains ever choke? 🚂
They chew chew. 😆
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? 🎅😨
Claustrophobic. 😱
What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? 🛌
Cookie sheets. 🍪
Why don’t spiders leave the house? 🕷️🏠
They can do everything on the web. 🕸️
Where do cows go on a first date? 💖🐄
The mooovies. 🍿📽️
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? 🦘
A pouch potato. 🥔
What sound does a chicken’s phone make? 🐔
Wing! Wing! ☎️
Why can’t you sell a shoe to a bear? 🐻
They prefer to go bear feet. 🐾
What did the pig say to his girlfriend? 🐖
Don’t go bacon my heart. 💖🐷
What do you say when you give someone a set of spices for Christmas? 🎄
Season’s greetings. 🎅
What does Rudolph do when Santa drives too fast? 🎅
Hold on for deer life. 🦌
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? 🧑🌾
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. 🥔🌽
I once knew a woman who owned a taser. 🙍♀️
Boy was she stunning. ⚡
The machine at the coin factory suddenly stopped working. 🏭
It didn’t make any cents! 🪙
Why did the can crusher quit his job? 🥫
It was soda pressing. 😁
Always trust a glue salesman. 🧑💼
I heard they’re very good at sticking to their word. 😆
What did the mom tomato say to the baby tomato? 🍅
“C’mon honey, ketchup!” 😁
What do dentists call their x-rays? 👩⚕️
Tooth pics! 🦷
What is always a pessimist’s blood type? 🩸
B-negative! 🅱️➖
When did they find water on the moon? 🌕
When it was waning! ⛈️
What do you call an illegally parked frog? 🐸🚗
Toad. 😆
Why can’t a leopard hide? 🐆
Because he’s always spotted. 😆
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? ⛪
Plymouth Rock! 🎸🎶
Why can’t you take a turkey to church? 🦃⛪
Because they use such fowl language! 🤬
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank? 🏦
It went data way! 💻
Why are spiders so good at the internet? 🕷️
They know all the good web sites. 🕸️🌎💻
I drove by a sign the other day that read, “Broken puppets for sale.” 🪧
“No strings attached.” 🧵
The grape said nothing when he was stepped on. 🦶🍇
Instead, he let out a little wine. 🍷
Never tell a lie to an x-ray technician. 🧑⚕️
They can see right through you. 🩻
I’ve gone to the dentist so many times now. 🦷
Trust me, I know the drill. 😖
What happened to the guy who sued the airline company over his missing luggage? ✈️
He lost his case. 🧳
Mountains aren’t just funny… ⛰️
The are hill areas! 😁
Why don’t cows ever have money? 🐄💵
Farmers always seem to milk them dry. 🧑🌾🥛
Don’t interrupt someone working intensely on a puzzle… ☝️
…because if you do, you might hear some crosswords. 🤬
A boiled egg in the morning… 🥚
…is hard to beat! 😅
What’s a foot long and slippery? 🤔
A slipper. 🦶🩴
I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. 👮
But when I got home, all the signs were there. 🪧🛑
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. 👟👟
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes. 😁
Where do pirates get their hooks? 🏴☠️
Second hand stores! 😅
I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex… ⌚
So I can have watch dogs. 🐶
I used to run a dating service for chickens… 🐔
But I was struggling to make hens meet. 😁
If a pig loses its voice… 🐖
Does it become disgruntled? 😆
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet. 👞
It was clogged. 🪵
I could tell a joke about pizza… 🍕
… but it’s a little cheesy! 😁
Two guys walked into a bar. 🍻
The third guy ducked. 🦆
Why should you never date a mummy? 🤕
Because they are too wrapped up in themselves! 😁 -submitted by: Gina F.
Why are ghosts so bad at lying? 👻
Because you can see right through them! 😆
I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist… 🎹🙎♂️
But he was too baroque. 😞
I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner. 🤔
It was just gathering dust! 💨
I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit. 💵
What a huge waist! 🤗
Why are cows so good at math? ✖️➕➖➗
Because they studied Cow-culus! 🐄
I finally watched that documentary on clocks. 🕰️
It was about time. ⌛
Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? 🏝️🌴🥥
They only permit a-low-ha. 😆
What building has the most stories? 🏢
The library! 📖
Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle? 🏃
They got over it! 🦘
Why is the cow always smiling? 🐄
It’s in a good mooood I guess! 😀
Why is Peter Pan always flying? 🕴️
Because he Neverlands! 🏰
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? 🦛🔥
One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter. 😅
What state is known for its tiny beverages? 🗺️
Minnesota! 🥤
We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great… 👷🏠
…but the second floor is another story. 😁
Why are elevator jokes so good? 🛗
They work on many levels! 😅
What happened when the world’s tongue-twister champion got arrested? 👮🚓
They gave him a tough sentence. 🤣
Why can’t you send a duck to space? 🦆🚀
Because the bill would be astronomical! 💵💵💵
Why are balloons so expensive? 🎈🎈🎈
Inflation! 💵💵💵
What did the doctor say to the panicked man who was afraid he was shrinking? 🧑⚕️
Settle down — you’ll have to learn to be a little patient! 🕴️
Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die? 👀
They dilate! 😵
I can tell when you’re lying just by looking at you. 👀
I can also tell when you’re standing. 🧍
If money doesn’t grow on trees, 🌳🌲🌳
then why do banks have branches? 🏦💵🌿
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. 🤒
I said it must be my weekend immune system. 🤣
Keep the dream alive… 😄
…and hit the snooze button. 😴💤
Some people think prison is one word… 🏛️
…but to criminals, it’s the whole sentence. 🦹
Talk is cheap… 🗣️
…until you talk to a lawyer. ⚖️👨💼
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? 🍵
Reali-tea. 😢😁
Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them? 👴💃
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.” 📔📕
Why did the coach go to the bank? 🏦
To get his quarter back. 🪙
Why did the gym close down? 🏋️
It just didn’t work out. 💪
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… 🐶
…but catscan. 😺
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? 🥛🌎
It’s pasteurized before you can even see it. 👀
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner… 💵
…it was just gathering dust! 😁
My fingers are so reliable. 🖐️
I can count on all of them. 👍
I don’t find boxing jokes funny. 🥊
I guess I missed the punch line! 👊
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? 🥷
Sneakers! 👟👟
You think swimming with sharks is expensive? 🏊🦈
Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg. 💪🦵🤕
How does a penguin build its house? 🐧
Igloos it together. 🥶
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. 🔤
I don’t know “Y”. 😁
It takes guts… 😬
…to be an organ donor. 🫀🫁
I don’t trust those trees. 🌳🌳🌳
They seem kind of shady. 🕶️
What goes up but never comes down? ⬆️
Your age. 👴👵
How do you catch a squirrel? 🐿️
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
Why do cows have bells? 🐮🔔
In case their horns don’t work!
What kind of horses only come out after dark? 🐎🌛
Night mares!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? 🥚
Because they’d crack each other up. 🤣
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It had a virus.
What do you call a dog magician? 🐶🪄
A labracadabrador. 🤣
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. 😠
She gave me a hug. 🫂😆
I have a fear of speed bumps, 🚗
but I’m slowly getting over it. 🚙
How did the skeleton handle the angry dog? 🩻🐕
He threw him a bone! 🦴
How do you keep warm in a cold room? 🥶
You go to the corner, because it’s always 90 degrees! 😏
Why did the umbrella take a day off? ☔
It was feeling under the weather! ⛈️
Why don’t elephants use computers? 🐘💻
They’re too scared of the mouse! 🖱️🐁
Why do some melons have extravagant weddings? 🤵👰
Because they know they cantalope! 😁
What did the tree say to the lumberjack? 🌲
I’m falling for you! 😍
How to do throw a party in space? 🚀
You planet! 🌎
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 🚰
Because he was a little horse! 🐎
What type of nails do carpenters hate to hammer? 🔨
Fingernails! 👆
What do you call an alligator detective? 🔍
An investi-gator! 🐊
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? ✏️
Because it’s pointless! 🤷
Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage? 💃
Because every play has a cast! 🤕
What is a dentist’s favorite time? ⏲️
Tooth-hurty! 🦷😖
What does a frog do when its car breaks down? 🚗
It gets toad! 🐸
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? 🍌
A slipper! 🥿
Why did the Easter egg hide? 🥚
Because it was a little chicken! 🐣
What do rabbits say before they eat? 🐇
“Lettuce pray.” 🙏
What do you call a pig that does karate? 🐖
A pork chop! 🥷
Why do bees have sticky hair? 🐝
Because they use honeycombs. 🍯
What do sea monsters eat? 👹
Fish and ships. ⛵
How did the barber win the race? 🏃♂️
He knew a shortcut. 💇♀️
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck. 🚛🪰
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? ♠️
Too many cheetahs. 🐈
What do you do with a sick boat? ⛵
Take it to the doc already. 🧑⚕️
What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer? 💻
The space bar. 🍻
Why can’t you trust duck doctors? 🧑⚕️
Because they’re all quacks! 🦆
Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? 🚴
It was a vicious cycle! 🤕
Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? 🙍♂️
To make some dough! 💰
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? 🐨
They don’t meet the koalafications! 😁
Why did the picture go to jail? 👮
Because it was framed! 🖼️
When is a door not a door? 🚪
When it’s ajar! 🫙
What do horses say when they fall? 🐴
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up! 🐎
Did you hear about the infamous bank robbers in the old wild west? One of them married the other one’s sister. 🤠
They were both outlaws and in-laws! 🤵👰
I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh… 😆
No pun in ten did! 😁
Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand? 🫲
A palm tree! 🌴
A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived? ✈️
Married couples! 💑
How much did the man sell his dead batteries for? 🪫
Nothing, they were free of charge! ⚡
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? 🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇
A receding hare-line! 👨🦲
How do billboards talk? 💬
Sign language! 🪧
What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce? 🐔
A chicken sees a salad! 🥬
What has three letters and starts with gas? ⛽
A car! 🚗
How do trees get online? 🌳
They just log on! 🪵
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? 🪸
A nervous wreck! 😰
What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce? 🥬🐓
A chicken sees a salad! 🥗
Two artists had an art contest. 🧑🎨👩🎨
It ended in a draw. 🎨
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. 🛬
I lost my case! 💼
I have a fear of speed bumps. 🚗
But I am slowly getting over it. 🐌
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. 🥰
I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. 🔪
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? 🦘
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all! 🏠
It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope. ✉️
It’ll still be stationary. 😁
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. 🌃
Then it dawned on me! 🌄
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. 👑
You start out in a beautiful ball gown 👰 and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people. 👶👶👶
Ever heard of a job that requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, and you can’t quit? 🤶
That’s motherhood. Oh, and people’s lives are on the line. 😅
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. 📖
It’s impossible to put down. 😁
I didn’t have the faintest idea… 😕
as to why I passed out. 😵
I’m glad I know sign language. 🤏
It’s become quite handy. ✌️
I heard about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda. 🤕
He is lucky it was a soft drink. 🥤
Bakers trade bread recipes… 📒
on a knead-to-know basis. 🤫
I used to be addicted to soap. 🧼
But I’m clean now. 🫧
A book just fell on my head… 📔
I only have my shelf to blame. 🤕
I heard two peanuts walk into a park… 🌳🥜🥜 🌳
One was as-salted. 😵
A moon rock 🌕 tastes better than an earthly rock 🪨 because it’s meat-eor. 🌠
The Magician got frustrated… 🪄
and pulled his hare out. 🐇
What did the triangle say to the circle? 🔺
You’re so pointless. 🔴
What did the mermaid wear to her math class? 🏫 🎒
An algae-bra. 🌿
Time flies like an arrow. 🏹
Fruit flies like a banana. 🍌
What did one toilet say to another? 🚽
You look flushed. 💩
What is a room with no walls? 🤔
A mushroom. 🍄
What do sprinters eat before they race? 🍴
Nothing. They fast. 🏃♀️
What do you call a sad strawberry? 🍓
A blue berry! 🫐
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 🐙
Ten-tickles. 👈
What did one pickle say to the other? 🥒
Dill with it! 😒
What goes up and down but doesn’t move? 🤔
The staircase. 🪜
How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity? 🪁
Shocked! ⚡
How do birds tell the weather? 🕊️
They watch the feather forecast. 🌦️
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? 🌽
Too many ears! 👂👂👂
Did you hear the rumor about butter? 🧈
Well, I’m not going to go spreading it! 🔪
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? 🐄
They lactose. 🥛
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? 🦹
He takes things personally! 💰
What do lawyers wear to court? ⚖️
Lawsuits. 🕴️
Where do most horses live? 🐎
In neighhh-borhoods! 🏘️
Why did an old man fall in a well? 👴
Because he couldn’t see that well! 💦
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. 🔠
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” 🛣️
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? 🤔
They always take things literally. 😜
What do you call a fake noodle? 🍝
An impasta. 😁
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar? 📆
They each got six months. 😜
How do poets say hello? 🙋♂️
Hey, haven’t we metaphor? 🖊️
What do you get from a pampered cow? 🐄
Spoiled milk. 🥛🤢
What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? 🥕
A parrot. 🦜
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? 👩⚕️
In case she needed to draw blood. 🩸
Why are all Redneck murders so tricky to solve? 🔪🩸😵
All of the DNA records match and there are zero dental records. 🔍
I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimers… 👵
She said she can’t remember what she ever saw in me! 😠
What tastes better than it smells? 👃
A Tongue. 👅
I ate a watch yesterday… 🍴⌚
It was extremely time consuming. 😋
One difference between men and women is that… 👨👩
When a woman says “smell this”, it usually smells nice. 👃💩
Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? 👱♀️
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills. 💊
I just learned that french fries are not from France at all. 🍟
They were first cooked in grease. 🧑🍳
Someone glued my deck of cards together. ♠️♥️♦️♣️
I don’t know how to deal with it. 😜
Want to hear a joke about paper? 📃
Nevermind it’s tearable. 🤣
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? 🐘
An irrelephant. 🤣
A locksmith had to go to court to give evidence last week. 🔒👨
Apparently he was the key witness. 🔑
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. 🛍️
It’s a total rip-off. 😜
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. 🍽️
But that’s just nuts! 🥜
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? 🏃
Diddly-squats. 🤷
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them.
The first one is on the house. 🏠 ” – Tim Vine
What did the man say to his fingers? 👆
I’m counting on you. 🫵
What kind of witch goes to the beach? 🏖️
A sandwich. 🥪
Why did the golfer cry? 😭
He was going through a rough patch. 🏌️
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down? 🌳🌳🌳
He keeps a log. 🪵
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? 🎸
You can buy it with no strings attached. 🧵
Have you ever been camping? 🏕️
It’s in tents. ⛺
Why shouldn’t you eat clowns? 🤡
They taste funny. 😝
Why did the roofer go to the doctor? 🧑⚕️
He had shingles. 🏘️
What did the horse say after it tripped? 🐴
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup! 🐎
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? 🦖
A dino-snore. 💤
How do you make a water bed bouncier? 🛏️
Add spring water. 💧
When does a duck wake up? 🦆
At the quack of dawn! 🌄
What does a baby computer call his father? 💻
Data! 💾
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? 🚂
A chew-chew train. 😁
What did one traffic light say to the other? 🚦🚦
Stop looking at me, I’m changing. 😲
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” 👦
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.” 🙆♂️
Why can’t male ants sink? 🐜
Beacue they’re buoy-ant. 🛟
What has four wheels and flies? 🤔
A garbage truck. 🪰🚛🪰
Why should you avoid artists? 🧑🎨
They tend to be sketchy. ✏️
What part of the body always loses?
Defeet!
What do you call a cow with bad manners? 🐄
Beef jerky. 🤬
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 🏫
It’s okay. He woke up. 😴
The Pentagon was originally going to just be a square. ⏹️
But the contractor kept cutting corners. ✂️
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight. 😡🤬
21. 🤕
My girlfriend treats me like a god. 🧔♂️
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something. 🙎♀️
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? 🥵 ⚾
All of the fans left. 😎
What did the Baby Corn say to the Mama Corn? 🌽🌽
“Where is Pop Corn?” 🍿
Which is faster, hot or cold? 🔥❄️
Hot, because you can catch cold. 🤧😰
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? 🚪
Close the door, I’m dressing! 👗
What do lawyers wear to court? ⚖️
Lawsuits. 🕴️
What does corn say when it gets a compliment? 🌽
Aw, shucks! 😁
What’s small and red and has a rough voice? 🤔
A hoarse raddish! 😁
Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle? 👑
Because he’s always lion. 🦁
What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? ⛵🌊
He got marooned! 😲
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? 🐨
They don’t meet the koalafications. 😁
I’m not hard of hearing… 👂
I’ve just heard enough. 😱
What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior? 💪
Cremation.🔥
What is a prize old people can win for aging? 👴👵
Atrophy. 🏆
Which underwear brand do seniors love best? 🩲
It Depends. 🤔
Age is an issue of mind over matter. 👴🧠
If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter. 🤷
How is the moon like dentures? 🌜
Both come out at night. 😬
I called the incontinence hotline recently. 📞
They asked if I could hold. 😣
I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. 👵
I just didn’t know her first name was going to be “Always.” 😒
Be kind to your kids. 😚
They choose your nursing home. 🏘️
Love is like one long, sweet dream. 😴
Marriage is the alarm clock. ⏰
Why was the retiree’s wife tired? 😩
She got twice as much husband for half the pay. 😣
Don’t let aging get you down. 👴👵
It’s too hard to get back up again! 😣
I’m getting older and wider…. 👴
Instead of older and wiser! 😒
Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. 📃
In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.” ✅😣
My doctor told me I need to sweat daily… 🧑⚕️
So I told him I’d start disobeying my wife! 😡
My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddess… 👩🦳
… by placing burnt offerings before me. 🔥
I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. 🍇🍈🍊🍑
They lived to a ripe old age. 👵👴
These are not gray hairs! 👵
They are wisdom highlights. 🧓
Old age makes us great multitaskers. 📃
Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time! 😖
One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends… 🤫👂
because they can’t remember them! 😏
Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. 👴👵
My knees, my back, my neck… 😖
Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” 👉
sn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife. 👵
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. 🧼👄
Then it’s a soap opera. 📺
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? 🗼🕷️
They’re both Paris sites. 🤦♀️
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? 🐟
SoFISHticated. 🤵
Where do you learn to make a banana split? 🍌
Sundae school. 🍨🏫
What has more letters than the alphabet? 🔤
The post office! 🏤✉️✉️✉️
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. 🛣️
So I packed up my stuff and right! ➡️
Money isn’t everything… 💵🤑💰
…but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. 👨👩🧔♂️👩🦰👨🦱👩🦱
Aging gracefully is a nice way of saying… 👴👵
…you’re slowly looking worse. 😩
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? 🛏️
They’re making headlines. 📰
I’m on a seafood diet. 🦐🦞🦀
I see food and I eat it. 😁
You know it’s time to retire when your co-workers… 🙍♂️🙎♂️
…are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro. 👖
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? 🃏
He won the ‘no-bell’ prize. 🔕
I’m so good at napping. 😴
I can do it with my eyes closed! 😄
What’s the best part of old age? 👴👵
That it doesn’t last very long. 😞
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time… 🧒💤🛌
… are they guilty of resisting a rest? 👮
