List of the Funniest Short Jokes on the Internet
Where do cows go on a first date? 💖🐄
The mooovies. 🍿📽️
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? 🦘
A pouch potato. 🥔
What sound does a chicken’s phone make? 🐔
Wing! Wing! ☎️
Why can’t you sell a shoe to a bear? 🐻
They prefer to go bear feet. 🐾
What did the pig say to his girlfriend? 🐖
Don’t go bacon my heart. 💖🐷
What do you say when you give someone a set of spices for Christmas? 🎄
Season’s greetings. 🎅
What does Rudolph do when Santa drives too fast? 🎅
Hold on for deer life. 🦌
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? 🧑🌾
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. 🥔🌽
I once knew a woman who owned a taser. 🙍♀️
Boy was she stunning. ⚡
The machine at the coin factory suddenly stopped working. 🏭
It didn’t make any cents! 🪙
Why did the can crusher quit his job? 🥫
It was soda pressing. 😁
Always trust a glue salesman. 🧑💼
I heard they’re very good at sticking to their word. 😆
What did the mom tomato say to the baby tomato? 🍅
“C’mon honey, ketchup!” 😁
What do dentists call their x-rays? 👩⚕️
Tooth pics! 🦷
What is always a pessimist’s blood type? 🩸
B-negative! 🅱️➖
When did they find water on the moon? 🌕
When it was waning! ⛈️
What do you call an illegally parked frog? 🐸🚗
Toad. 😆
Why can’t a leopard hide? 🐆
Because he’s always spotted. 😆
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? ⛪
Plymouth Rock! 🎸🎶
Why can’t you take a turkey to church? 🦃⛪
Because they use such fowl language! 🤬
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank? 🏦
It went data way! 💻
Why are spiders so good at the internet? 🕷️
They know all the good web sites. 🕸️🌎💻
I drove by a sign the other day that read, “Broken puppets for sale.” 🪧
“No strings attached.” 🧵
The grape said nothing when he was stepped on. 🦶🍇
Instead, he let out a little wine. 🍷
Never tell a lie to an x-ray technician. 🧑⚕️
They can see right through you. 🩻
I’ve gone to the dentist so many times now. 🦷
Trust me, I know the drill. 😖
What happened to the guy who sued the airline company over his missing luggage? ✈️
He lost his case. 🧳
Mountains aren’t just funny… ⛰️
The are hill areas! 😁
Why don’t cows ever have money? 🐄💵
Farmers always seem to milk them dry. 🧑🌾🥛
Don’t interrupt someone working intensely on a puzzle… ☝️
…because if you do, you might hear some crosswords. 🤬
A boiled egg in the morning… 🥚
…is hard to beat! 😅
What’s a foot long and slippery? 🤔
A slipper. 🦶🩴
I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. 👮
But when I got home, all the signs were there. 🪧🛑
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. 👟👟
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes. 😁
Where do pirates get their hooks? 🏴☠️
Second hand stores! 😅
I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex… ⌚
So I can have watch dogs. 🐶
I used to run a dating service for chickens… 🐔
But I was struggling to make hens meet. 😁
If a pig loses its voice… 🐖
Does it become disgruntled? 😆
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet. 👞
It was clogged. 🪵
I could tell a joke about pizza… 🍕
… but it’s a little cheesy! 😁
Two guys walked into a bar. 🍻
The third guy ducked. 🦆
Why should you never date a mummy? 🤕
Because they are too wrapped up in themselves! 😁 -submitted by: Gina F.
Why are ghosts so bad at lying? 👻
Because you can see right through them! 😆
I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist… 🎹🙎♂️
But he was too baroque. 😞
I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner. 🤔
It was just gathering dust! 💨
I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit. 💵
What a huge waist! 🤗
Why are cows so good at math? ✖️➕➖➗
Because they studied Cow-culus! 🐄
I finally watched that documentary on clocks. 🕰️
It was about time. ⌛
Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? 🏝️🌴🥥
They only permit a-low-ha. 😆
What building has the most stories? 🏢
The library! 📖
Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle? 🏃
They got over it! 🦘
Why is the cow always smiling? 🐄
It’s in a good mooood I guess! 😀
Why is Peter Pan always flying? 🕴️
Because he Neverlands! 🏰
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? 🦛🔥
One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter. 😅
What state is known for its tiny beverages? 🗺️
Minnesota! 🥤
We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great… 👷🏠
…but the second floor is another story. 😁
Why are elevator jokes so good? 🛗
They work on many levels! 😅
What happened when the world’s tongue-twister champion got arrested? 👮🚓
They gave him a tough sentence. 🤣
Why can’t you send a duck to space? 🦆🚀
Because the bill would be astronomical! 💵💵💵
Why are balloons so expensive? 🎈🎈🎈
Inflation! 💵💵💵
What did the doctor say to the panicked man who was afraid he was shrinking? 🧑⚕️
Settle down — you’ll have to learn to be a little patient! 🕴️
Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die? 👀
They dilate! 😵
I can tell when you’re lying just by looking at you. 👀
I can also tell when you’re standing. 🧍
If money doesn’t grow on trees, 🌳🌲🌳
then why do banks have branches? 🏦💵🌿
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. 🤒
I said it must be my weekend immune system. 🤣
Keep the dream alive… 😄
…and hit the snooze button. 😴💤
Some people think prison is one word… 🏛️
…but to criminals, it’s the whole sentence. 🦹
Talk is cheap… 🗣️
…until you talk to a lawyer. ⚖️👨💼
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? 🍵
Reali-tea. 😢😁
Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them? 👴💃
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.” 📔📕
Why did the coach go to the bank? 🏦
To get his quarter back. 🪙
Why did the gym close down? 🏋️
It just didn’t work out. 💪
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… 🐶
…but catscan. 😺
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? 🥛🌎
It’s pasteurized before you can even see it. 👀
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner… 💵
…it was just gathering dust! 😁
My fingers are so reliable. 🖐️
I can count on all of them. 👍
I don’t find boxing jokes funny. 🥊
I guess I missed the punch line! 👊
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? 🥷
Sneakers! 👟👟
You think swimming with sharks is expensive? 🏊🦈
Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg. 💪🦵🤕
How does a penguin build its house? 🐧
Igloos it together. 🥶
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. 🔤
I don’t know “Y”. 😁
It takes guts… 😬
…to be an organ donor. 🫀🫁
I don’t trust those trees. 🌳🌳🌳
They seem kind of shady. 🕶️
What goes up but never comes down? ⬆️
Your age. 👴👵
How do you catch a squirrel? 🐿️
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
Why do cows have bells? 🐮🔔
In case their horns don’t work!
What kind of horses only come out after dark? 🐎🌛
Night mares!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? 🥚
Because they’d crack each other up. 🤣
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It had a virus.
What do you call a dog magician? 🐶🪄
A labracadabrador. 🤣
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. 😠
She gave me a hug. 🫂😆
I have a fear of speed bumps, 🚗
but I’m slowly getting over it. 🚙
How did the skeleton handle the angry dog? 🩻🐕
He threw him a bone! 🦴
How do you keep warm in a cold room? 🥶
You go to the corner, because it’s always 90 degrees! 😏
Why did the umbrella take a day off? ☔
It was feeling under the weather! ⛈️
Why don’t elephants use computers? 🐘💻
They’re too scared of the mouse! 🖱️🐁
Why do some melons have extravagant weddings? 🤵👰
Because they know they cantalope! 😁
What did the tree say to the lumberjack? 🌲
I’m falling for you! 😍
How to do throw a party in space? 🚀
You planet! 🌎
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 🚰
Because he was a little horse! 🐎
What type of nails do carpenters hate to hammer? 🔨
Fingernails! 👆
What do you call an alligator detective? 🔍
An investi-gator! 🐊
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? ✏️
Because it’s pointless! 🤷
Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage? 💃
Because every play has a cast! 🤕
What is a dentist’s favorite time? ⏲️
Tooth-hurty! 🦷😖
What does a frog do when its car breaks down? 🚗
It gets toad! 🐸
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? 🍌
A slipper! 🥿
Why did the Easter egg hide? 🥚
Because it was a little chicken! 🐣
What do rabbits say before they eat? 🐇
“Lettuce pray.” 🙏
What do you call a pig that does karate? 🐖
A pork chop! 🥷
Why do bees have sticky hair? 🐝
Because they use honeycombs. 🍯
What do sea monsters eat? 👹
Fish and ships. ⛵
How did the barber win the race? 🏃♂️
He knew a shortcut. 💇♀️
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck. 🚛🪰
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? ♠️
Too many cheetahs. 🐈
What do you do with a sick boat? ⛵
Take it to the doc already. 🧑⚕️
What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer? 💻
The space bar. 🍻
Why can’t you trust duck doctors? 🧑⚕️
Because they’re all quacks! 🦆
Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? 🚴
It was a vicious cycle! 🤕
Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? 🙍♂️
To make some dough! 💰
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? 🐨
They don’t meet the koalafications! 😁
Why did the picture go to jail? 👮
Because it was framed! 🖼️
When is a door not a door? 🚪
When it’s ajar! 🫙
What do horses say when they fall? 🐴
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up! 🐎
Did you hear about the infamous bank robbers in the old wild west? One of them married the other one’s sister. 🤠
They were both outlaws and in-laws! 🤵👰
I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh… 😆
No pun in ten did! 😁
Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand? 🫲
A palm tree! 🌴
A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived? ✈️
Married couples! 💑
How much did the man sell his dead batteries for? 🪫
Nothing, they were free of charge! ⚡
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? 🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇
A receding hare-line! 👨🦲
How do billboards talk? 💬
Sign language! 🪧
What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce? 🐔
A chicken sees a salad! 🥬
What has three letters and starts with gas? ⛽
A car! 🚗
How do trees get online? 🌳
They just log on! 🪵
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? 🪸
A nervous wreck! 😰
What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce? 🥬🐓
A chicken sees a salad! 🥗
Two artists had an art contest. 🧑🎨👩🎨
It ended in a draw. 🎨
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. 🛬
I lost my case! 💼
I have a fear of speed bumps. 🚗
But I am slowly getting over it. 🐌
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. 🥰
I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. 🔪
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? 🦘
Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all! 🏠
It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope. ✉️
It’ll still be stationary. 😁
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. 🌃
Then it dawned on me! 🌄
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. 👑
You start out in a beautiful ball gown 👰 and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people. 👶👶👶
Ever heard of a job that requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, and you can’t quit? 🤶
That’s motherhood. Oh, and people’s lives are on the line. 😅
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. 📖
It’s impossible to put down. 😁
I didn’t have the faintest idea… 😕
as to why I passed out. 😵
I’m glad I know sign language. 🤏
It’s become quite handy. ✌️
I heard about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda. 🤕
He is lucky it was a soft drink. 🥤
Bakers trade bread recipes… 📒
on a knead-to-know basis. 🤫
I used to be addicted to soap. 🧼
But I’m clean now. 🫧
A book just fell on my head… 📔
I only have my shelf to blame. 🤕
I heard two peanuts walk into a park… 🌳🥜🥜 🌳
One was as-salted. 😵
A moon rock 🌕 tastes better than an earthly rock 🪨 because it’s meat-eor. 🌠
The Magician got frustrated… 🪄
and pulled his hare out. 🐇
What did the triangle say to the circle? 🔺
You’re so pointless. 🔴
What did the mermaid wear to her math class? 🏫 🎒
An algae-bra. 🌿
Time flies like an arrow. 🏹
Fruit flies like a banana. 🍌
What did one toilet say to another? 🚽
You look flushed. 💩
What is a room with no walls? 🤔
A mushroom. 🍄
What do sprinters eat before they race? 🍴
Nothing. They fast. 🏃♀️
What do you call a sad strawberry? 🍓
A blue berry! 🫐
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 🐙
Ten-tickles. 👈
What did one pickle say to the other? 🥒
Dill with it! 😒
What goes up and down but doesn’t move? 🤔
The staircase. 🪜
How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity? 🪁
Shocked! ⚡
How do birds tell the weather? 🕊️
They watch the feather forecast. 🌦️
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? 🌽
Too many ears! 👂👂👂
Did you hear the rumor about butter? 🧈
Well, I’m not going to go spreading it! 🔪
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? 🐄
They lactose. 🥛
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? 🦹
He takes things personally! 💰
What do lawyers wear to court? ⚖️
Lawsuits. 🕴️
Where do most horses live? 🐎
In neighhh-borhoods! 🏘️
Why did an old man fall in a well? 👴
Because he couldn’t see that well! 💦
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. 🔠
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” 🛣️
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? 🤔
They always take things literally. 😜
What do you call a fake noodle? 🍝
An impasta. 😁
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar? 📆
They each got six months. 😜
How do poets say hello? 🙋♂️
Hey, haven’t we metaphor? 🖊️
What do you get from a pampered cow? 🐄
Spoiled milk. 🥛🤢
What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? 🥕
A parrot. 🦜
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? 👩⚕️
In case she needed to draw blood. 🩸
Why are all Redneck murders so tricky to solve? 🔪🩸😵
All of the DNA records match and there are zero dental records. 🔍
I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimers… 👵
She said she can’t remember what she ever saw in me! 😠
What tastes better than it smells? 👃
A Tongue. 👅
I ate a watch yesterday… 🍴⌚
It was extremely time consuming. 😋
One difference between men and women is that… 👨👩
When a woman says “smell this”, it usually smells nice. 👃💩
Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? 👱♀️
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills. 💊
I just learned that french fries are not from France at all. 🍟
They were first cooked in grease. 🧑🍳
Someone glued my deck of cards together. ♠️♥️♦️♣️
I don’t know how to deal with it. 😜
Want to hear a joke about paper? 📃
Nevermind it’s tearable. 🤣
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? 🐘
An irrelephant. 🤣
A locksmith had to go to court to give evidence last week. 🔒👨
Apparently he was the key witness. 🔑
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. 🛍️
It’s a total rip-off. 😜
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. 🍽️
But that’s just nuts! 🥜
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? 🏃
Diddly-squats. 🤷
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them.
The first one is on the house. 🏠 ” – Tim Vine
What did the man say to his fingers? 👆
I’m counting on you. 🫵
What kind of witch goes to the beach? 🏖️
A sandwich. 🥪
Why did the golfer cry? 😭
He was going through a rough patch. 🏌️
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down? 🌳🌳🌳
He keeps a log. 🪵
Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? 🎸
You can buy it with no strings attached. 🧵
Have you ever been camping? 🏕️
It’s in tents. ⛺
Why shouldn’t you eat clowns? 🤡
They taste funny. 😝
Why did the roofer go to the doctor? 🧑⚕️
He had shingles. 🏘️
What did the horse say after it tripped? 🐴
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup! 🐎
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? 🦖
A dino-snore. 💤
How do you make a water bed bouncier? 🛏️
Add spring water. 💧
When does a duck wake up? 🦆
At the quack of dawn! 🌄
What does a baby computer call his father? 💻
Data! 💾
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? 🚂
A chew-chew train. 😁
What did one traffic light say to the other? 🚦🚦
Stop looking at me, I’m changing. 😲
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” 👦
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.” 🙆♂️
Why can’t male ants sink? 🐜
Beacue they’re buoy-ant. 🛟
What has four wheels and flies? 🤔
A garbage truck. 🪰🚛🪰
Why should you avoid artists? 🧑🎨
They tend to be sketchy. ✏️
What part of the body always loses?
Defeet!
What do you call a cow with bad manners? 🐄
Beef jerky. 🤬
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 🏫
It’s okay. He woke up. 😴
The Pentagon was originally going to just be a square. ⏹️
But the contractor kept cutting corners. ✂️
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight. 😡🤬
21. 🤕
My girlfriend treats me like a god. 🧔♂️
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something. 🙎♀️
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? 🥵 ⚾
All of the fans left. 😎
What did the Baby Corn say to the Mama Corn? 🌽🌽
“Where is Pop Corn?” 🍿
Which is faster, hot or cold? 🔥❄️
Hot, because you can catch cold. 🤧😰
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? 🚪
Close the door, I’m dressing! 👗
What do lawyers wear to court? ⚖️
Lawsuits. 🕴️
What does corn say when it gets a compliment? 🌽
Aw, shucks! 😁
What’s small and red and has a rough voice? 🤔
A hoarse raddish! 😁
Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle? 👑
Because he’s always lion. 🦁
What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? ⛵🌊
He got marooned! 😲
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? 🐨
They don’t meet the koalafications. 😁
I’m not hard of hearing… 👂
I’ve just heard enough. 😱
What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior? 💪
Cremation.🔥
What is a prize old people can win for aging? 👴👵
Atrophy. 🏆
Which underwear brand do seniors love best? 🩲
It Depends. 🤔
Age is an issue of mind over matter. 👴🧠
If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter. 🤷
How is the moon like dentures? 🌜
Both come out at night. 😬
I called the incontinence hotline recently. 📞
They asked if I could hold. 😣
I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. 👵
I just didn’t know her first name was going to be “Always.” 😒
Be kind to your kids. 😚
They choose your nursing home. 🏘️
Love is like one long, sweet dream. 😴
Marriage is the alarm clock. ⏰
Why was the retiree’s wife tired? 😩
She got twice as much husband for half the pay. 😣
Don’t let aging get you down. 👴👵
It’s too hard to get back up again! 😣
I’m getting older and wider…. 👴
Instead of older and wiser! 😒
Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. 📃
In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.” ✅😣
My doctor told me I need to sweat daily… 🧑⚕️
So I told him I’d start disobeying my wife! 😡
My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddess… 👩🦳
… by placing burnt offerings before me. 🔥
I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. 🍇🍈🍊🍑
They lived to a ripe old age. 👵👴
These are not gray hairs! 👵
They are wisdom highlights. 🧓
Old age makes us great multitaskers. 📃
Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time! 😖
One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends… 🤫👂
because they can’t remember them! 😏
Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. 👴👵
My knees, my back, my neck… 😖
Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” 👉
sn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife. 👵
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. 🧼👄
Then it’s a soap opera. 📺
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? 🗼🕷️
They’re both Paris sites. 🤦♀️
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? 🐟
SoFISHticated. 🤵
Where do you learn to make a banana split? 🍌
Sundae school. 🍨🏫
What has more letters than the alphabet? 🔤
The post office! 🏤✉️✉️✉️
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. 🛣️
So I packed up my stuff and right! ➡️
Money isn’t everything… 💵🤑💰
…but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. 👨👩🧔♂️👩🦰👨🦱👩🦱
Aging gracefully is a nice way of saying… 👴👵
…you’re slowly looking worse. 😩
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? 🛏️
They’re making headlines. 📰
I’m on a seafood diet. 🦐🦞🦀
I see food and I eat it. 😁
You know it’s time to retire when your co-workers… 🙍♂️🙎♂️
…are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro. 👖
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? 🃏
He won the ‘no-bell’ prize. 🔕
I’m so good at napping. 😴
I can do it with my eyes closed! 😄
What’s the best part of old age? 👴👵
That it doesn’t last very long. 😞
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time… 🧒💤🛌
… are they guilty of resisting a rest? 👮
