Hilarious Quotes

It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

At least you’re not being rectally probed by aliens.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, “I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ’em.

My favorite poem is the one that starts “Thirty days have September” because it actually tells you something.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever – so far, so good!

Don’t follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

If you can’t say anything nice…come sit by us.

Know what I’m thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn’t it?

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

Never say “OOPS!” always say “Ah, Interesting!”

This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.