Things To Do During the Christmas Holidays

1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.

2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of the neighbor’s nativity scene.

3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer jerky and Easter Bunny filets.

4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick. Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.

5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand on the corner saying “Ho! Ho! Ho!” as women walk by.

6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that they’ve been naughty and won’t be getting any presents this year.

7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive poses.

8. Buy a package of Keebler’s E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the bad elves.

9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the street muttering, “Oh the humanity.”

10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and ask everyone if they’d like to see some naked pictures of Santa with the Boss’s wife.

11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman urns.

12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children they’ll get what you give ’em and that’s that!

13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you’re sick of the milk and cookies crap and you’d prefer a beer and a hot blonde instead.

14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.

15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.

16. Post a sign in front yard that says “Carolers Welcome.” When they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.

17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor’s lights so they no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.

18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor’s decorations.