The Look, & The Blank Stare

The Look:

Every male on the planet knows about “The Look.” It begins in early childhood when the misbehaving manling transgresses a known or unknown law and receives, from his mother, “The Look.” He will receive The Look from hundreds, perhaps thousands, of females over his lifetime and will always be terrified and shaken by the experience.

However, women are familiar with a maddening expression that males have developed to a fine art over the years. Women have “The Look.” Men have “The Blank Stare.” All women have seen this expression through the years, especially when males feel they are put on the spot. “Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” she says sweetly. She is met by The Blank Stare.

Two young lovers are sharing an intimate moment away from the crowds under the privacy of the stars. “I love you,” he whispers. “How much do you love me?” she inquires. Says he, “I would cross oceans for you, scale the highest mountain, fight off ravening hoards of barbarians for you, my love.” Innocently she asks, “Do you love me enough to marry me?”

The Blank Stare:

The Blank Stare begins early in life, even before the man’s earliest memory.
Two principles are learned early on.
Principle Number One: “It is bad to lie.”
Principle Number Two: “Sometimes if you tell the truth, pain follows.”
For example, Johnny, only three years old, opens the door to the fridge and tries to pull out the gallon of milk. The milk is way too heavy, but he is thirsty, and besides Mom is upstairs in the bedroom. He knows better than to do this because he has gotten into trouble before. Yet, because males are afflicted with a terminal condition called “testosterone poisoning” they do dumb things. The milk drops to the floor with a crash, the plastic container ruptures, and an explosion of milk covers Johnny and the kitchen floor.
Hearing the crash, Mom rushes to the kitchen where Johnny is standing, eyes innocent, dripping with milk.

“What happened in here?” she screams.

Principle Number One begins to kick in: “Do not lie.”
However, Principle Number Two also comes into play: “If you tell the truth, you will get your butt beat.” Faced with this tension of truth versus pain, little Johnny looks at mommy in silence and blinks.

The Blank Stare is born.

It doesn’t work, of course, and never will because women inflict the pain anyway. But because males are males, they continue to react in the same old ways whether the techniques work or not. Johnny knows that mommy knows.
Johnny knows that he will probably be punished. Yet, because he doesn’t want to lie and because he hopes, against hope, that somehow he can get out of this mess … he stares.

It should be said, however, that the blank stare is only offered to women.

If a man challenges another man-“Hey, who left this mess in here?”- the testosterone afflicted male issues his own challenge “Yeah? Who wants to know?”
Arguments begin, words are exchanged, and fists may fly. But the Blank Stare is never given to another male. Well, maybe to a male in ultimate authority like a police officer or a father… but most males just either tell the truth or lie under those circumstances. If a man says to another male (which he would never do), “Does this swim suit make me look fat?” the reply likely will be, “Why no, Porky, why do you ask?” Imagine saying that to a woman. Pain would follow for sure.

Sometimes the Blank Stare is modified. First of all, one has to realize that the purpose of the Blank Stare is to avoid unpleasantness. Another motivation of the Blank Stare is to buy time to try to think up an excuse that is not actually a lie. Hence a few modifications: “Honey,” she says, after asking an answerable question, “did you hear me?” “Drat,” he thinks, “the blank stare isn’t working.” “Um, I’m sorry dear, were you saying something?” Now she has to repeat the question she originally asked. The hapless man has just bought an extra thirty seconds.

It won’t work, of course, it never does. “I’m sorry dear, my mind was somewhere else, would you mind repeating that?” Whatever tactic employed, it only delays the pain.

Women are smart. Men need to own up to that little fact. If she asks the “do-I-look-fat-in-this” question and we don’t reply, she knows the answer is, “Does Moby Dick sleep in the sea?”

If we were smart, we would just tell the truth and take our punishment.

Or if we were devious, we would just lie and then take our punishment because the female always knows when the male is lying. But because we are noble and caring (though suffering from testosterone poisoning) we try not to lie and we try to spare feelings. You see, the Blank Stare is actually the highest form of caring for the female. It is a sign of the latent goodness and honorableness of the man.

The blank stare is really a compliment to the relationship that we share with the female and a way of offering respect and dignity. Women should understand what we are trying to do, appreciate the sincere efforts we are making, and just quietly back off and accept our stare as a positive affirmation of them.

And if you believe that, you must be a man.