Funny Jokes: Good Deeds & Sly Drunk

Joke #1

During class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks her students to share something good that they have done today…

Marcy goes first, “I gave money to a homeless man.”

Then Kevin chimes in, “I helped my mom with the chores.”

Billy adds, “I helped an old lady cross the street.”

The teacher is very impressed by the responses so far…

She asks Little Johnny if he has anything to share with the class.

Johnny says, “I prevented a murder!”

The teacher is amazed by this and asks Little Johnny how.

He replies…

“Self-control.”

Joke #2

A guy is out on the town with his friends and gets totally drunk…

By the time he staggers home, he is covered in vomit and, sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him.

The following weekend he’s out again with his buddies, but avoiding the booze…

One of his friends asks why he isn’t drinking and he explains that he is still reeling from the scolding his wife gave him last time he came home drunk.

“No problem,” says his mate. “When it happens again, just make sure you have $20 in your shirt pocket… ”

“Then you can tell your wife that someone else puked on you and gave you the $20 for the dry cleaning!”

Encouraged by this brilliant plan he proceeds to get completely drunk…

Much later that evening he falls through the front door, again covered in vomit.

Predictably, his wife completely freaks out.

“I can explain!” he protests…

“A guy threw up over me and gave me $20 for dry cleaning! Check my pocket!”

His wife looks in his shirt pocket and says, “There’s $40 here.”

“Yeah,” her husband replies…

“He sh#t in my pants as well.”

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