Redneck Church

The Call to Worship is, “Y’all come on in!”

The Bible’s used mostly to create loud noises.

The collection plates are hub caps from a ’56 Chevy.

The pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.” Then five guys and two women stand up

The baptismal fountain is a #2 galvanized washtub.

Baptism is referred to as “branding.”

Saltines and Boone Farm wine are used for communion.

The choir is known as the “OK Chorale.”

The choir robes were donated and embroidered with the logo from “Billy Bob’s Barbecue.”

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The pastor’s colorful shoes have a visible “8 1/2” on the back.

You hear long prayers complaining about the weather and beer prices.

Holiday church decorations include Santa and the Easter Bunny.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

Congregation grumbles about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because, “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

The church bulletin has the NASCAR schedule printed on the back.

The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, yah hear?”

The picture of Jesus looks a lot like Elvis!